I recently got these emails. I was floored, crushed, shook up! It took my brother-in-law a few hours to get me to stop crying and then help me digest and see the email for what it truly was...lies & manipulation to get control of the situation again. Something I think he realized, for the first time, he didn't have anymore.
You know I didn't sign for the adoption for social security money. You convinced me I had no other choice than to do what was best for the children. I can't undo the adoption, but I can work on our marriage and dedicate my life to helping both you and I heal. I'm willing to make whatever changes are necessary.
I was dying. I know you didn't know it, but its true and the worst part was believing I had reached the end, with my family destroyed. I'm alive today because of a miracle. Now I want another miracle. I want to save our marriage! Please don't let either of us die as failures, regardless of when death comes for us. I know now that it can happen at any time. Please let us both right our wrongs, seek individual and mutual healing, and either live our lives successfully or die on empty trying, not with regrets, not with regrets.
I've learned that fight or flight is a false dichotomy, there is also peace. In total humility and a sincere heart, I am coming to you to beg you to have peace with me. I also beg you to please allow me to give you the greatest gift I have to offer: me, all of me, only me and everything that comes with me, forever.
No matter what you did, no matter what I did, no matter what our weaknesses or anything else, I believe we can heal. I'm going against all counsel but I'm willing to defy them all to believe in you because above all, I believe in our eternal marriage. Am I wrong? Am I wrong to believe we can start over? Only you can tell me and the only time we have is now.
Isn't there anything you wish you could go back and do over? I know for me there are mountains of things. I think this letter is one of those "Glass House" moments, which is why I'm writing it. There is a better story than our divorce story: its our reconciliation and true love story. Will you write it with me? I've learned that fight or flight is a false dichotomy, there is also peace.
Bethany and Audrey are safe with my parents. I can only fully give myself to you if the adoption proceeds and I know the children are not at risk again. Will you please withdraw from all legal actions, allow peace a chance and attend counseling with me? I promise you that you won't regret giving our marriage a second chance. I will wait with love. If you continue with legal action I will say my goodbye with gratitude in my heart for the love we shared.
Please light up my beautiful lighthouse keeper. This is it.
Love,
P.S. I've included just one paragraph of volumes that I've written about what I would have done differently: "...I would have humbly accepted my own faults apologized for them and committed to changing them. I would have never let you walk out the door the day you wanted a divorce without first giving you a passionate kiss and only let you go after packing you shrimp tikka masala and a diet coke for the road. If you still wanted to leave, I would have jumped in the car with you and rubbed your neck while softly singing "Drink up Baby" aswe drove away together. I would have suggested that we stop and get you a hair cut, I mean completely chopped :) and then dye it blond! I would have then suggested you pick out whatever dress you'd like and showered you with amazingly thoughtful compliments regardless of the dress. I would have reminded you of your unsurpassed beauty at any weight. I would have asked you if I could call your boss to tell her YOU QUIT, but I would add that she can keep her money and her job, but I'm keeping you! I would have LISTENED more. Whenever storms came or you flipped in either direction, I would have held steady. I would have attended regular therapy with you for mental health and marriage, always separated the two issues and overcame all challenges. No matter what, I would have held you, looked you in the eyes and reassured you that not only am I willing to hold on, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU."
If you still wanted to go, I would wait and see if you would come back to me for me like I would come back to you for you. I would learn. I would wait to see if you would remember.
If there was nothing else I could do, then I would sing and say my goodbye.
P.S.S. I violated counsel by communicating during a lawsuit but I cannot do so again unless you're willing to withdraw and would like to plan on counseling thereafter together.
I share it because I'm finally getting an idea of how much control this man had over me and how many of his lies I really did believe. Most of me sees him for what he is and yet, in weak moments, part of me still sees him out of rose colored glasses--wanting to believe that he is right and that I am wrong, crazy, and that I need to be fixed.
I won't attempt to interpret his words. They speak for themselves. If you understand an abusive situation, you'll see right through it.
My Dearest Jacquee,
I would like to withdraw from the divorce if you would also. If so, will you attend counseling with me?
My parents told me you called about an open adoptive relationship. I'm not the one making the decisions, but I am glad regardless of your marriage intentions. Have you considered dropping legal action? We both know the adoption never had anything to do with divorce.
I miss you, I love you and I always will.
P.S. I believe in miracles and am willing to work to make them happen in and for both of us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkyTj0Tr3fE
I would like to withdraw from the divorce if you would also. If so, will you attend counseling with me?
My parents told me you called about an open adoptive relationship. I'm not the one making the decisions, but I am glad regardless of your marriage intentions. Have you considered dropping legal action? We both know the adoption never had anything to do with divorce.
I miss you, I love you and I always will.
P.S. I believe in miracles and am willing to work to make them happen in and for both of us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Jacquee,
You know I didn't sign for the adoption for social security money. You convinced me I had no other choice than to do what was best for the children. I can't undo the adoption, but I can work on our marriage and dedicate my life to helping both you and I heal. I'm willing to make whatever changes are necessary.
I was dying. I know you didn't know it, but its true and the worst part was believing I had reached the end, with my family destroyed. I'm alive today because of a miracle. Now I want another miracle. I want to save our marriage! Please don't let either of us die as failures, regardless of when death comes for us. I know now that it can happen at any time. Please let us both right our wrongs, seek individual and mutual healing, and either live our lives successfully or die on empty trying, not with regrets, not with regrets.
I've learned that fight or flight is a false dichotomy, there is also peace. In total humility and a sincere heart, I am coming to you to beg you to have peace with me. I also beg you to please allow me to give you the greatest gift I have to offer: me, all of me, only me and everything that comes with me, forever.
No matter what you did, no matter what I did, no matter what our weaknesses or anything else, I believe we can heal. I'm going against all counsel but I'm willing to defy them all to believe in you because above all, I believe in our eternal marriage. Am I wrong? Am I wrong to believe we can start over? Only you can tell me and the only time we have is now.
Isn't there anything you wish you could go back and do over? I know for me there are mountains of things. I think this letter is one of those "Glass House" moments, which is why I'm writing it. There is a better story than our divorce story: its our reconciliation and true love story. Will you write it with me? I've learned that fight or flight is a false dichotomy, there is also peace.
Bethany and Audrey are safe with my parents. I can only fully give myself to you if the adoption proceeds and I know the children are not at risk again. Will you please withdraw from all legal actions, allow peace a chance and attend counseling with me? I promise you that you won't regret giving our marriage a second chance. I will wait with love. If you continue with legal action I will say my goodbye with gratitude in my heart for the love we shared.
Please light up my beautiful lighthouse keeper. This is it.
Love,
P.S. I've included just one paragraph of volumes that I've written about what I would have done differently: "...I would have humbly accepted my own faults apologized for them and committed to changing them. I would have never let you walk out the door the day you wanted a divorce without first giving you a passionate kiss and only let you go after packing you shrimp tikka masala and a diet coke for the road. If you still wanted to leave, I would have jumped in the car with you and rubbed your neck while softly singing "Drink up Baby" aswe drove away together. I would have suggested that we stop and get you a hair cut, I mean completely chopped :) and then dye it blond! I would have then suggested you pick out whatever dress you'd like and showered you with amazingly thoughtful compliments regardless of the dress. I would have reminded you of your unsurpassed beauty at any weight. I would have asked you if I could call your boss to tell her YOU QUIT, but I would add that she can keep her money and her job, but I'm keeping you! I would have LISTENED more. Whenever storms came or you flipped in either direction, I would have held steady. I would have attended regular therapy with you for mental health and marriage, always separated the two issues and overcame all challenges. No matter what, I would have held you, looked you in the eyes and reassured you that not only am I willing to hold on, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU."
If you still wanted to go, I would wait and see if you would come back to me for me like I would come back to you for you. I would learn. I would wait to see if you would remember.
If there was nothing else I could do, then I would sing and say my goodbye.
P.S.S. I violated counsel by communicating during a lawsuit but I cannot do so again unless you're willing to withdraw and would like to plan on counseling thereafter together.
My response should have been a single email with this link:
But I didn't respond at all.
I feel I need to clarify some things. His emails aren't as kind and loving as they may appear at first glance. His message is clear--STOP THE LEGAL PROCEEDINGS, JACQ! And then, only then, will I give you all the thing I know that I never allowed you to have before. He wants to appear that he is sorry, and maybe he is in a way, but if he were, he would stop the adoption process (which he has total control over) and then truly be penitent. He wouldn't still be trying to 'fix me'. It's the same abuse cycle over and over. Tension in the relationship mounts. He blames the tension on me. He does something hurtful (verbal abuse, emotional abuse or sexual abuse). He feel very bad. He tries to make it better with words, promises to change, gifts, freedom, love, and the acceptance I crave. I forget/ignore the abuse and get sucked back in. Life happens and stress arises. Tension builds in the relationship...and off we go in a cyclical spiral of toxicity.
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