After I was married, my husband commandeered my schedule. And so my life outdoors dwindled and eventually became nonexistent. Then, I was in a horrible car accident, in which my spine and neck were injured. There was a limited amount that doctors could do. I saw a chiropractor who was great and a doctor who did something called prolo-therapy on my spine. Nothing was working. My headaches were worse than ever and I was in constant pain and I couldn't sleep.
In an effort to help heal more quickly, I went on a fast to help the body heal and repair itself. Over a 30 day period, I lost 15lbs (not the objective, but I wasn't complaining) and gained my health back. My headaches went away. (I learned about food allergies that were causing most of them and since I was fasting, those foods were eliminated for a time). My sleep became better and I gain full movement in my neck and back. And my chronic IBS subsided. It's amazing how, given time and the right tools, the body can heal itself.
However, my husband grasped on to this fasting as an 'easy' weight loss method. He wanted me to look picture perfect. He didn't want me to complain about my hips anymore. Or ask him if something made me look fat. He wanted me to feel more comfortable exposing myself--wearing shorter skirts, short shorts, shirts with plunging necklines, skin tight dresses, and be nude on the beach. So, from that point on, he took control of my eating habits. When he was around, he would control what I ate, how I ate it, and how much I ate. If wasn't thin enough (between 135-145lbs), I was put on a diet. If I went a week without losing anything, he would put me back on a fast until I lost the required amount.
Oh, how I hated this aspect of his control! I hated being told what I had to order at a restaurant. Or seeing him watch me carefully, so that I didn't take seconds at dinner. I learned to fear eating and to feel guilty when I did. I also became very uncomfortable eating in front of people.
So, after a while, these fasting sessions turned into fasts and then binges. When he was away on business or back East in school, I would binge. I became a closet carb eater. I would tell him I was staying on track, but the minute he got home, he would see that I had gained weight instead of lost weight. This led him to believe that I couldn't control myself and that me having control of what I was eating was obviously not working, so he would put me back on a fast again.
The longest that he made me fast was 40 days. I think I lost 30 lbs that time. His sister saw me right after this point and even commented on how thin I was. But he went back to school right after that, so I pack on the pounds again.
For me, it was survival. I had to feel I had control over something in my life. And this was one thing that he only had a small amount of control over. He could make me fast, but I could keep myself from getting too thin by binging, and if I kept myself from hitting the perfect goal weight, then I would never have to pole dance or be a stripper or go nude on a beach, or have to create my own porn site for his amusement or be directly involved in a tryst. I could keep myself safe.
At the time, I didn't realize what I was doing. It wasn't a conscience thing. But now that I realize this, I'm am grateful for my survival instincts.
Unfortunately, now I have to deal with the consequences of several years of lack of exercise, binging, and fasting. I think my metabolism is nonexistent. But I have started some things that I know are helpful. I am eating a very clean diet of mostly whole foods. I've given up soda (even on headache days!), most white sugar and flour are out, and I'm running and weight training again. Whoo-hoo!
No comments:
Post a Comment