What comes next?

So, I just wanted to include a brief update on the current court case. Absolutely nothing happened in December! Why? I have no idea, except perhaps, everyone decided to take a month off for holiday. I wish my emotions could have done the same thing.

January passed by relatively quickly. My husband and his folks finally showed up for their depositions (hours of questioning done under oath) and my lawyer said it went well. I don't know what that means exactly because I chose not to go. There was really no reason for me to be there except to look them in the face while they lied. I guess that could have been fun, if I got my jollies from that sort of thing. However, I did get a copy of the depositions, but I couldn't make it through the first few pages, so I stopped reading. But the good news, my lawyers came away from that interlude with renewed faith in me and a belief that we have to get my children OUT of this mess...meaning they didn't buy into all the lies and manipulations. I'm relieved.

My deposition will take place this Friday. I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be, but it's still Tuesday, so I have time to become a big ball of stress. (Which for everyone who knows me, knows this will happen! So, there's no use denying it.)

After that, who knows what will come next. I know there is mandatory mediation, then an evidentiary hearing, and then it should go to trial. I don't even have a guess at a time frame. I wish I could say it will all happen this month, but I don't think I can be that optimistic. I think I can safely say, within a year!

My hope: a MIRACLE.

It's not your fault

Over the last 8 months I have experienced things I didn't know I could handle. The worst part about challenges, for me, is when they never resolve and new ones come anyway. Pretty soon, I find myself unable to organize the life around me. It's utter chaos and seemingly, unmanageable. Yet, somehow, I survive. And I'm finding, I'm handling things better. So, perhaps, there is a method to all this madness. Maybe God knows I'm stronger than I think.

I have been reading this book on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It poses an interesting thought. That there are degrees to which one is accountable and thus, degrees to which one is saved by grace. It argues there are outright sins which are committed; things you believe and know to be wrong, but you do them anyway. Then there are choices you make, but you don't necessarily know the extent to which your choices will hurt or effect yourself or others and you don't know if what you chose was right or wrong. Therefore, you are ignorant. Then there are times when you have no control over what happened, but you feel the effects of someone else's choices. This book indicates that you can be saved regardless, but the degree to which you, personally, are held accountable, varies.

That concept has been intriguing for me because it gives me a little perspective and it has helped me to set aside my instinct to blame and point fingers.

For example, in my childhood, there were things I've already discussed in earlier posts, which I don't blame anyone for. I don't point fingers at my parents and say, "You should have protected me!" Or I don't even really point the fingers at the bullies because they were kids! What they did hurt, it's true, but they were kids and kids can be mean, unintentionally. I blame no one, I just see things for how they were and try to explain how it made me feel.

Currently, since nothing in my life is resolving, it's been difficult to let go and move on because I WANT to point a finger at someone and blame them for what's transpired. For a while I could, but with this new perspective on Christ's Atonement, I find myself putting my finger down.

With that in mind, I wrote a letter to my in-laws this week. I wrote of my forgiveness, my compassion, and of my trying to understand their perspective. I tried to put myself in their shoes and in doing this, I realized something, I don't blame them.

My father-in-law, is a kind sweet, and humble man. He wouldn't do anything to knowingly hurt any other person. I feel that in my heart. But he would support his wife in all things. This is trait, that in the past, I have admired.

My mother-in-law is more difficult for me to understand. I know that she tries to do good...BUT sometimes misses that mark. I think her intentions are good, but she is misguided. It's good for me to see that she might not be intentionally trying to hurt or harm, instead she believes what she is doing is the right thing, (although to us on the outside, it clearly is not).

Because I can recognize these things, I am able to stop pointing blame at them and I can honestly say, Mom & Dad, it's not your fault. Which is why I wrote the letter.

It's a different story when it comes to pointing the finger at myself. I think it will continue to be a lifelong process that will take time and a lot of effort. I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop thinking about the 'I shoulda, woulda, couldas'.

With my husband, I don't know what it will take. The jury's still out on that! I think the confusion comes because I can't distinguish what was intentional harm, what was in ignorance, or what wasn't his choice in the first place, but instead were the effects of the choices of others. I'm sure it's a combination, but until I have it sorted out in my mind, my finger is still pointing towards guilty.

How I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I attended a small class today where there was a speaker speaking to us on The Five Love Languages. These concepts weren't new to me. I had heard them before. I even think that I read a book once that alluded to these, but I had never actually stopped to find out how it is I, myself, feel that I'm loved by others.

According to this paradigm, there are 5 Love Languages, or 5 different ways that one feels accepted, appreciated, and understood by those around them. They are:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

There are two that are critical for me. My number one Love Language is Words of Affirmation. With a close runner up, Receiving Gifts. I think those closest to me, like members of my immediate family, could have guessed these. They know me well. Honestly, it's not hard to figure out. I have always made it perfectly clear, I love gifts and I need praise. But what was fascinating to me was learning what others should and should not do to communicate their love.

Words of Affirmations

Tools to use: (This is how you should love me)

-Sincere verbal compliments

-Encouraging words

-Kind words

-Humble words

Traps to avoid: (This is what makes me wither up like a dried old leaf and crumble to pieces)

-"Constructive" criticism

-Verbal threats

-Making demands

-Verbal flattery to get what you want

Ironically, all the 'traps to avoid' were employed by my husband for most of our marriage. Now, I know there were other circumstances going on which effected how I felt about myself. There was a lot of abuse, and I think most people would feel hurt by it, but I always thought to myself, if I were stronger inside then I could withstand it or it wouldn't hurt so much. And I think I'm right. I think it was so crushing to me was because what he was doing was the antithesis of what I needed to feel loved. And under these conditions, I really did crumble. I remember looking for and seeking his praise, adoration, compliments, but when I didn't get it, I was emotionally destroyed and sometimes even blindsided. I knew he would tell me he loved me with his lips or in writing, but I after a while I didn't believe it anymore. There were too many traps and not enough tools being employed.

Receiving Gifts

Tools to use:

-Flowers and cards

-Personalization

-Gift of self

-Anything with a bow

Traps to avoid:

-Special Occasions

-Expensive gifts

-"Don't get me anything." (especially when I say don't get me anything--horrible offense!)

-Start a tradition you can't maintain

I know, needing to receive gifts to feel loved really sucks! But it's easy for people to show their love in this way because it doesn't take a lot of work to throw together a gift, unfortunately, it's also really easy to forget or to only get gifts on special occasions.

Until now, it has seemed vain, worldly and self centered of me. I found myself loathing this part of me during my marriage. But the fact is, it's real and no matter how I tried to change this about myself, I never could.

For me, the thing that communicated that I wasn't loved the most, was when my husband would offer himself (going with me somewhere that was important to me, for example) as a gift, but then would back out at the last minute. Or he wouldn't agree to do it with me in the first place. And that happened more times than I even want or care to count. It's just how it was.

The other hard part about being a gift's person is that it's easy for others to say, well I don't have enough money. For me, that tells me, you don't have enough 'love' for me. I'm not important. Because gifts don't have to cost anything; those kinds of gifts just take more thought and time. So, in my marriage, when we had extra cash, I got gifts, but when we didn't have money, I was given nothing.

The most fascinating part of learning about these languages was seeing that the way I try to show others, (including my husband), that I love them, directly reflects what my own love language is. I cake on the praise and I shower people with gifts...unbeknownst to me, not everyone is like me!

You're still you, after all. You're still you.

I was in the post office yesterday and witnessed an adorable little scene. While I was standing in line, waiting my turn, there was this little 3 year old standing in line ahead of me. She kept turning around and staring at me with the intensity that only a small child can pull off. There was no judgement, guile ,or embarrassment in her actions, just that stare. I don't know what it is about children and their ability to stare at the world and not only get away with it, but get in return a bunch of huge grins, silly faces, and finger waving from grown adults. I've tried the starting technique and am only confronted with averted eyes and rosy cheeks!

As she and her mom, who was also toting a baby in her arms, were preparing to leave, I overheard the mom say, "Okay, squirt, are you ready to go? Let's go."

The child, immediately stopped in her tracks, planted her feet firmly into the ground, as if preparing for a battle. She looked her mom squarely in the eyes and said with such firmness and determination, "I'm not a squirt! I'm Olivia!"

This child, at 3 years old, knew who she was.

In my minds eye, I fast forwarded to years in the future when that self image wouldn't be so clear. And I found myself hoping that this sweet little child would forever be able to hold on to that identity.

My ability to see myself that clearly has been altered so much. I feel as though I look at my reflection through murky water. I can no longer tell you what it means when I say I'm Jacquee. It doesn't carry with it the same significance that it once did. My my used to tell me, when I was unsure about a situation or decision, "You can do it! Why? Because you are Jacquee." I used to know exactly what that meant and I used to gain so much confidence through that statement. It wasn't just a name for myself. It was so much more. It carried a meaning, a value, a power. An Identity.

And now, while I can still identify different aspects about myself. Like what foods I like: Indian, Sushi, Pizza. Or what's my favorite color: Yellow. What do I like to do in my spare time: Read or Watch Movies. What is something I do well: Play the Piano. What are my hobbies, interests, character traits, etc? These are all things I can put labels to and list, but they don't carry the power of my identity. I no longer feel the empowerment that used to come from just knowing I was me.

I don't know what the missing element is or how to get that back again. I would like to, but I don't think it's possible to mesh who I once thought I was to how I currently view or perceive myself to be. Perhaps, it's not getting anything back, instead, maybe it's starting anew; building on my life's experiences and gaining wisdom along the way.