It's not your fault

Over the last 8 months I have experienced things I didn't know I could handle. The worst part about challenges, for me, is when they never resolve and new ones come anyway. Pretty soon, I find myself unable to organize the life around me. It's utter chaos and seemingly, unmanageable. Yet, somehow, I survive. And I'm finding, I'm handling things better. So, perhaps, there is a method to all this madness. Maybe God knows I'm stronger than I think.

I have been reading this book on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It poses an interesting thought. That there are degrees to which one is accountable and thus, degrees to which one is saved by grace. It argues there are outright sins which are committed; things you believe and know to be wrong, but you do them anyway. Then there are choices you make, but you don't necessarily know the extent to which your choices will hurt or effect yourself or others and you don't know if what you chose was right or wrong. Therefore, you are ignorant. Then there are times when you have no control over what happened, but you feel the effects of someone else's choices. This book indicates that you can be saved regardless, but the degree to which you, personally, are held accountable, varies.

That concept has been intriguing for me because it gives me a little perspective and it has helped me to set aside my instinct to blame and point fingers.

For example, in my childhood, there were things I've already discussed in earlier posts, which I don't blame anyone for. I don't point fingers at my parents and say, "You should have protected me!" Or I don't even really point the fingers at the bullies because they were kids! What they did hurt, it's true, but they were kids and kids can be mean, unintentionally. I blame no one, I just see things for how they were and try to explain how it made me feel.

Currently, since nothing in my life is resolving, it's been difficult to let go and move on because I WANT to point a finger at someone and blame them for what's transpired. For a while I could, but with this new perspective on Christ's Atonement, I find myself putting my finger down.

With that in mind, I wrote a letter to my in-laws this week. I wrote of my forgiveness, my compassion, and of my trying to understand their perspective. I tried to put myself in their shoes and in doing this, I realized something, I don't blame them.

My father-in-law, is a kind sweet, and humble man. He wouldn't do anything to knowingly hurt any other person. I feel that in my heart. But he would support his wife in all things. This is trait, that in the past, I have admired.

My mother-in-law is more difficult for me to understand. I know that she tries to do good...BUT sometimes misses that mark. I think her intentions are good, but she is misguided. It's good for me to see that she might not be intentionally trying to hurt or harm, instead she believes what she is doing is the right thing, (although to us on the outside, it clearly is not).

Because I can recognize these things, I am able to stop pointing blame at them and I can honestly say, Mom & Dad, it's not your fault. Which is why I wrote the letter.

It's a different story when it comes to pointing the finger at myself. I think it will continue to be a lifelong process that will take time and a lot of effort. I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop thinking about the 'I shoulda, woulda, couldas'.

With my husband, I don't know what it will take. The jury's still out on that! I think the confusion comes because I can't distinguish what was intentional harm, what was in ignorance, or what wasn't his choice in the first place, but instead were the effects of the choices of others. I'm sure it's a combination, but until I have it sorted out in my mind, my finger is still pointing towards guilty.