Fast Forward

Six years ago I met this dashing and handsome man. He was tall, had dark hair and beautiful green eyes. He walked with confidence and charisma. He was ambitious and talented. When he sang, my heart would just melt. I felt like I could just be myself with him. He was intoxicating. I fell head over heels and we were married 3 month later! I always thought when you know it's right, you just know it. So, why waste time dating, right?!?

Fast forward almost 6 years. Here I sit alone in my sister's home. Sad, confused, scared. Three months ago I walked out of a sexual, emotional, and verbally abusive relationship. I am glad and relieved that I finally had the courage to leave. It feels as if a heavy weight has been lifted and I'm able to see what has become of me.

I'm just a shadow of the person I once was. The joy, faith, and happiness has been replaced with fear, anxiety, and depression. It makes me sad that I allowed this to happen to me, but I know the reasons why I did. There were just two:

1. I never wanted to give up on the person I loved. No matter what. Divorce or leaving meant giving up on him.

2. My children. My precious little ones!

Bethany, 4 Audrey, 2 1/2

Most moms can understand when I say, my children are my whole reason for being. They mean everything to me. They are the main reason I stayed in a broken relationship so long...I wanted to keep our family together. At least in their eyes--to believe that we were a strong, healthy, happy family.

But when I couldn't pretend anymore, I lost everything!

My children were taken from me! My husband and his parents won't let me see them. I haven't seen them in over 3 months! It's a slow and painful torture. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...waiting, hoping I will see them again.

I send cards and small gifts every week, just hoping and praying that they will at least get them and know that mommy is still here and loves them very much.

They are so small and we've never been away from each other for more than a week. I cry myself to sleep at night wondering who tucked them in and what have they been told when they ask, "where'd mommy go?" I wake up with nightmares of them crying and crying and I can't reach them to comfort and dry their tears.