You're still you, after all. You're still you.

I was in the post office yesterday and witnessed an adorable little scene. While I was standing in line, waiting my turn, there was this little 3 year old standing in line ahead of me. She kept turning around and staring at me with the intensity that only a small child can pull off. There was no judgement, guile ,or embarrassment in her actions, just that stare. I don't know what it is about children and their ability to stare at the world and not only get away with it, but get in return a bunch of huge grins, silly faces, and finger waving from grown adults. I've tried the starting technique and am only confronted with averted eyes and rosy cheeks!

As she and her mom, who was also toting a baby in her arms, were preparing to leave, I overheard the mom say, "Okay, squirt, are you ready to go? Let's go."

The child, immediately stopped in her tracks, planted her feet firmly into the ground, as if preparing for a battle. She looked her mom squarely in the eyes and said with such firmness and determination, "I'm not a squirt! I'm Olivia!"

This child, at 3 years old, knew who she was.

In my minds eye, I fast forwarded to years in the future when that self image wouldn't be so clear. And I found myself hoping that this sweet little child would forever be able to hold on to that identity.

My ability to see myself that clearly has been altered so much. I feel as though I look at my reflection through murky water. I can no longer tell you what it means when I say I'm Jacquee. It doesn't carry with it the same significance that it once did. My my used to tell me, when I was unsure about a situation or decision, "You can do it! Why? Because you are Jacquee." I used to know exactly what that meant and I used to gain so much confidence through that statement. It wasn't just a name for myself. It was so much more. It carried a meaning, a value, a power. An Identity.

And now, while I can still identify different aspects about myself. Like what foods I like: Indian, Sushi, Pizza. Or what's my favorite color: Yellow. What do I like to do in my spare time: Read or Watch Movies. What is something I do well: Play the Piano. What are my hobbies, interests, character traits, etc? These are all things I can put labels to and list, but they don't carry the power of my identity. I no longer feel the empowerment that used to come from just knowing I was me.

I don't know what the missing element is or how to get that back again. I would like to, but I don't think it's possible to mesh who I once thought I was to how I currently view or perceive myself to be. Perhaps, it's not getting anything back, instead, maybe it's starting anew; building on my life's experiences and gaining wisdom along the way.