At first, I was very apprehensive about attending. I didn't think I should be there. I didn't understand or see the extent of the abuse I had been living in. At that point I was still listening to my husband's voice in my head telling me that I am to blame, that I am wrong, that I am crazy and need to be fixed. I approached my therapy with this mindset and entered the this class the same way.
The first day I attended clarified that for me. I didn't say much at first, but as I listened, I was stunned as I found my story being told over and over again by different women in different situations. I kept thinking, "Wow! That's me! Oh! That's my husband!" It took quite a few weeks before I was able to digest and accept that I had been abused and that I was acting like someone who had been abused. That's when the changes inside of me began.
This week's topic was particularly eye opening to me. We discussed the Stockholm Syndrome.
This theory was developed to explain the bizarre behavior that sometimes occurs in people who are kidnapped--in particular their affection for and the attachment to their captors. Hostages whose safety and very lives are at the mercy of cruel and unpredictable captors, sometimes develop very strong bonds with them. this bond can be so strong that one time hostages have been know to visit their captors in jail, try to protect them from punishment, or even become romantically involved with them.
While reading through the distorted thinking and then the explanations I realized that I fell into this category. It was so enlightening to me, that I wanted to include it here for others to read.
First I'll list the distorted thoughts that a victim may have and then the explanation of why those thoughts occur.
1 Cognitive Distortion
Denies Partner's violence against her and focuses on his positive side.
Explanation
An unconscious attempt to find hope (a way to survive) in a situation in which she would otherwise feel powerless and overwhelmed. Victim denies her own anger at the abuser.
2 Cognitive distortion
Feels shame for abuse done to her
Explanation
Takes on abuser's perspective (namely, that she caused his abuse of her and feels that the abuse was deserved). She is hyper vigilant to the abuser's needs. She is intensely grateful for small kindnesses shown to her by the abuser.
3 Cognitive distortion
Resents outsiders to free her from abusive partner
Explanation
Victim knows partner is likely to retaliate against her for any attempts of disloyalty shown toward him so she resists others' attempts to free her or resists holding partner accountable for abusing her. She sees outsiders (for example police, parents) as the 'bad guys' who may get her killed.
4 Cognitive distortion
Identifies with the victim in the partner
Explanation
Projects her own victim status on to partner; feels sympathetic and caring toward partner.
5 Cognitive distortion
Believes partner's violence against her is deserved
Explanation
This may represent an attempt to feel she controls when and whether violence is done to her and permits her to believe she can stop the abuse.
6.Cognitive distortion
Rationalizes partner's violence against her
Explanation
This may be an attempt to maintain bond with partner (in hopes of survival) in the face of violent behavior that otherwise would destroy that bond. Convinces herself she caused the abuse.
7 Cognitive distortion
Feels hatred for that part of her that partner said led to her abuse
Explanation
To improve chances of survival, she internalizes partner's perspective, including reasons he gives her for abusing her.
8 Cognitive distortion
Fears partner will come to get her, even if he is dead or in prison
Explanation
Victim believes partner is going to "get her" because he has done so at least once before; remains loyal in anticipation of his return.
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