Am I growed, up yet?

When my brother Kris and I were little, he was asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. His response was, "A Christmas tree!" I see the logic. I really do. Who wouldn't want to be bright, colorful, and shiny; a spectacular sight to behold whenever you walk into the room. It's also something that is rare and special, for it only comes once a year.

I've always loved this question. When I was in the dating scene, it's something I always asked guys, regardless of whether they were currently in a career or not. I guess I never thought anyone could ever really grow up.

So, I asked my daughter, Bethany, this same question when she was about 2 1/2. A little early, perhaps, to be asking, but you never know how profound a child can be. Her response to me was, "a coco puff." I'm afraid to admit, I was quite baffled by this. I didn't know how to respond either. I didn't want to damage her little self esteem by laughing, though that's exactly what I wanted to do, but I didn't want to ignore her answer either. Goodness! I didn't even know she knew what a coco puff was--I never allowed her to eat sugary cereals. So, I decided to say, "Wow that's so great!" and then just note that one in her journal and ask her again when she was a little older...and perhaps, wiser?

One afternoon, (1 1/2 years later), while I was putting the girls down for their naps, Bethany asked me, "Mommy, what do you want to be when you growed up?" This question seemed to come out of the blue, until I realized we had talked, a couple of days before, about why Daddy was at Harvard.

I responded with, "Well, I want to be a Mommy and maybe someday a doctor."

She studied me very carefully for a few moments before her eyes welled up with great big crocodile tears. Then she burst out, "Oh Mommy! You can't be a doctor! 'Cause then who will take care of us?"

I immediately saw the connection she had made with Daddy going away to school to 'become' something and me wanting to become a doctor--and that would mean, to her, that I would go away. I gathered her up in my arms as I wiped away the tears. I soothed her by telling her I will always be there to take care of her--I'm not going anywhere. And that I won't be a doctor for a very, very long time, if ever--it was just something I wanted to secretly do someday.

After she was assured I wasn't going anywhere, I then asked her if she knew what she wanted to be when she grew up.

Her response, "I'm already growed up! But when I get big, like you, I want to be a painter, a runner, a singer and a dancer.

And I believe she will.

It's startling to realize I've already grown up, too. I'm not in my teens or 20's anymore. (I don't think I can even pretend and lie about my age either!) I'm at the stage in life, when I should be contributing to society. And here I still find myself asking the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" That's a hard question for me to answer outright because in the past I have wanted to do and be so many things. I think I can truly say I'm a Jacq of all trades. The thing is, before I was married, I knew that anything I put my mind to do, I could do. It didn't matter to me what it was, if I wanted it bad enough, I would go after it with all the gusto in the world and I would make it happen--I believed in myself and my abilities. Sometimes I would fail, but that didn't matter so much to me. I would just try something else and succeed.

My husband dashed my dreams. He would tell me my ideas were impossible. He would say he was being realistic while I was being idealistic. In order to 'help' me achieve and succeed, he would hash around my goals and ideas until they didn't resemble anything I had envisioned. And then I would see that he was right, I couldn't achieve it. I was defeated before I even tried.

Soon my 'idealistic views' became a sign to him. It confirmed that I was bi-polar. He would call this my 'grandiose thinking'. He put such a negative spin on it, that I came to believe that he was right. And a trait, that I had once believed was something great about myself, was now something I was scared and ashamed of. So, I stopped dreaming. I stopped being motivated. I stopped being someone that could accomplish things.

I find myself now, faced with becoming. And to my amazement, my old self is re-emerging. I have found myself wanting to be and do great and amazing things in my life. When these thoughts first came into my mind a few weeks ago I was terrified. I thought, "oh no! My husband is right! I'm having grandiose ideas and thoughts! I have to control them and bring myself back down to reality." But then I was forced to think of what my reality is. I didn't know. What would be something I could accomplish and become without thinking too 'grand'?

I took this question to my therapist, this week. I told her the dilemma I was faced with. Feeling that I could now choose and accomplish something great, but not wanting to be bi-polar in my thoughts and ideas.

She smiled, then gently guided my thoughts to help me clearly see what a bi-polar grandiose mania phase would look like. She illustrated the difference of what I was feeling and thinking and what I wasn't.

It was the first time in 5 years that I saw that my husband was unmistakably wrong. Truly wrong about me being crazy, delusional, manic. This was a breakthrough for me. For me to see he was wrong about me, it clicked that I'm not broken and that I wasn't to begin with.

So, now the world is open to me, once again. I have more than just a hope that I can be whatever I choose to be and do whatever I choose to do, but I know that I can and will achieve great things in my life, no matter the hurdles I have to jump through.