Avoid Avoiding

I’m an avoider. I avoid stuff. I’m a list writer. I write lists about writing lists.

I found some old journals of mine from when I was in junior high and high school. I have pages and pages of lists. List of what I’m going to be when I grow up. Lists of what I need to do today. Lists of qualities I need to develop. Lists of qualities I have already. Lists of reasons I should be nice to my siblings; lists why shouldn’t. Lists of goals, dreams, accomplishments, reasons for doing things, reasons why I don’t do things, grocery lists, financial plan lists, who I want to marry lists, attributes I want to look for in a husband, list of schools I should go to, what I need to do to get into said schools, etc…the lists go on and on and on.

And the madness continues today. My wall is plastered with sticky notes. I have to write it, (whatever IT is), down to get it out of my head. Once it is written down, then I know I won’t forget about it. I can relax and worry about it later. Unfortunately, having it up on my wall only serves as a constant reminder of the things I’m avoiding.

I avoid my phone. I avoid situations that are uncomfortable. I avoid shopping lines. I avoid processing what I’m going through. I avoid my email. I avoid exercise. I avoid food. I avoid being involved. I avoid thinking about my relationships. I avoid blogging. I avoid cleaning. I avoid waking up early. I avoid sleeping. I avoid calling people back. I avoid communication. I avoid confrontation. I avoid filling my air mattress (my current bed) up with air, so that now I’m faced with the fact that for yet another night my butt will be sinking into the floor because there isn’t enough air in the mattress! I avoid serious conversations. I avoid volunteering. I avoid getting a job. I avoid walking in front of other people. I avoid eating in front of other people. I avoid making mistakes. I avoid trying. I avoid feeling. I avoid meditating.

Instead, I read. I listen to music. I sleep. I watch movies. I play. I read more. I laugh. I go window shopping. I go to the library to get more books to read. I play the piano. I watch sitcoms. I browse the internet to find more things to put on my lists. I read…did I mention that I hate to read…but I discovered it’s effective when there are things you want to avoid.

So, if you put these two idiosyncrasies together, (avoiding & list writing), it makes for one anxious person--one who is painfully aware of what she should be doing, but isn’t doing because she’s busy avoiding doing stuff.

This can only go on for so long…until, I lie awake at night thinking about all the things I’m avoiding and it becomes too overwhelming. So, one by one I start attacking my lists. I begin the arduous task to avoid avoiding.