Stranger at my door

I received an unexpected visitor last week. I'm assuming it was an early anniversary present, though an unwanted one.

Thursday, I was up in my room drowning out my negative thoughts about my current situation with a little hard rock (you know the kind, a lot of electric guitar and bass with words you can't understand). While I was thus occupied, my sister was downstairs with her children.

The doorbell rang and when she answered it, she was taken by surprise. My husband standing there, asking to see me. Her prompt reply was, "You are not welcome in my home, ever!" Then she slammed the door.

I'm sure that wasn't the response he wanted or was prepared for.

Nevertheless, she called her husband and had him talk to the man at the door. In more controlled and kinder words, he said the same thing and told him that I am not interested in talking with him until the issue of custody of our children is resolved.

I was, thankfully, oblivious through all of this. Later, when I came downstairs, my sister took me aside and told me what had transpired. I was so grateful that they handled this for me. (Up to this point he didn't know where I was or where I was living; I'm still a little surprised he found out.)

Later that night, I kept thinking I needed to move my car; that it wasn't safe parked right in from of the house. So, around 11:30 I dragged my sister out to go with me to move it just around the corner. As I was getting into my car, I noticed a truck that I hadn't seen before in the parking lot and people were just sitting in it. They looked suspicious. But I didn't think much of it until, when we turned our car on, they turned theirs on as well. We drove off in opposite directions, but after we parked and were getting out to go back home, the same truck was slowly circling around the parking lot again. When they saw us, they turned the other direction and took off.

I was freaked out, I've never been stalked before. And I guess, I wasn't...my car was being stalked. I'm pretty sure it was my husband waiting until we had turned out our lights in the house before he stole my car. Or should I say 'our car' which he still has keys for.

My anniversary was on Saturday, so I think this was just his way of saying he remembered it. Lucky me.

Since then, I have experienced such utter sadness, loneliness, discouragement, and most of all self doubt. I just want all of this to be done with and behind me. I want to be on with a new chapter of my life. But it seems impossible.

If I don't win my parental rights back in this case, I may never see my children again. The thought of that sends me shooting down into a spiral of depression faster than anything! Then the self loathing starts. Followed by all the memories of when I wasn't a great Mommy. And that feeds into the beliefs that my husband and his parents are right about me...that my children are better off without me.

Hopeless, faithless, despair.

That's where I find myself today.