I have to admit I was elated it was overcast and rainy! The brooding clouds fit my mood. If it had been bright, sunny, and cheery, I think it would have, easily, been catalogued as the worst-day-ever. But with the bleakness of the weather I felt, at least, God understood my plight and had planned, accordingly, for rain. So, while it was not my favorite day, it wasn't my worst.
I had planned to, dutifully, attend church, but as I drove into the parking lot, I was struck with the realization I couldn't face the endless praise of Motherhood that would certainly ensue upon my entering the chapel. In my current state of selfishness, that would be too much for me to handle. I decided being alone, completely alone, would be the best course of action for me. So, I turned around and headed back home to spend a day in the solace of my garden.
Unfortunately, I had been planting flowers for a measly 15 minutes before the downpour started. Looking up into the gray sky, I stayed, soaking in the big, wet raindrops. The rain quickly blended in with my salty tears and I sat there crying for what seemed like a millennia. For the first time, I didn't care what my neighbors were thinking. I didn't care what people driving past might be thinking. All I could do was sit there wallowing in self pity while the rain poured down around me and crying because I missed my children; I missed being a mom. For an entire year, that has been taken from me and the weight of that is unbearable to handle alone.
My entire day was like that. No, I didn't sit in the rain for the entire day, but I felt like doing that. Instead, I drove around aimlessly and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself. Probably not the healthiest thing to do, but I think it helped me. I think it helped to mourn what I've lost. I have lost a year and I can never get this year away from my children back. That, in my opinion, is a loss to truly mourn.
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