Tolerance

I have this friend. He is amazingly talented. Fun and funny. Relaxing. Accepting. He has great perspectives on life. He treats me like gold. I have the deepest love and respect for this guy. And yet, to look at him, one might cross to the other side of the street. I mean he is big and strong. Very tough guy-esque. Think biker--goatee, tattoos, studs, I don't know about the leather, but he could pull it off.

I had a conversation the other day with my sister. It was a discussion which ensued after I had had a brief falling out with one of her children--I had (erring-ly because I'm not the parent) calmly told this child that it was unacceptable to make fun of or judge anyone. My niece was distraught and troubled because she didn't think what she had said had been offensive. In her mind, she was stating a truth--her truth.

During the chat with my sister, we contemplated how to teach children tolerance without them losing their own core values. How do you learn to accept without condoning others' choices or emulating their lifestyle? I had never thought about how to teach this concept. I assumed it was something that was either inherent or something you learned by observing someone else's behaviors. So, to me it was simple, if she wanted to teach her kids to be tolerant then she, herself, should just be tolerant; her children would follow. She claims she is doing that and for her boys that worked, for the girls it didn't. She illustrated that children see it as a contradiction: why is it okay for you to do something and for me to tell you it's okay to do it, but it's not okay for me to DO the same thing.

I have seen children do this all the time. My girls were wearing cute little sun dresses last summer. They went upstairs to play with some cousins and I heard one of them tell Bethany, "why are you wearing that? It's immodest." Good grief! She's 3! She could've been wearing just underwear and it wouldn't have breached any modesty lines. But as I've thought about that, this child was just noticing the differences in boundaries--Bethany can wear a dress like that, why can't I?

I have found over the years, tolerance is one of my strongest characteristics. I was open and accepting of anyone. Didn't matter who you were, what your station in life was, where you've been in your journey in life or what choices you've made, I accepted you and would welcome you as a friend. So, I found wherever I went, I would meet a variety of people and have a fun time in the process. I didn't change my core values to do that. I was still me. I still believed what I believed. I still acted the same.

I found an alarming weakness in tolerance, though. In my marriage, why did I choose to stay after I, initially, found out about my husband's porn addiction and sex addictions? Well, not only did I not believe in divorce, but I loved my husband. I wanted him to KNOW that I loved him no matter what. I would stay with him through his issues and I would hope that he would work them out on his own and in his own time. I had faith in him and believed in him. So, I was tolerant. I didn't know that being tolerant of an addiction isn't always the best thing to do. I didn't know that my tolerance was enabling him to justify his actions and that it would become a slippery slope of entrapment. And that I would be pulled down into his own private hell.