Why her?

I recently learned that an acquaintance I went to high school with, just left an abusive relationship, too. She lasted over 10 years. As we sat talking I felt myself relating to her sad, depressing tale, the abuse she endured, and her current view of herself. Yet, while we were talking, a question plagued me, "why her?" She seemed to have everything going for her. She is strikingly gorgeous. She oozes self confidence (at least she seemes to), she is so musically talented. She comes from a fantastic family. Looking at her, it just didn't add up.

Now, I don't pretend to know exactly what her feelings are or what it was like for her, but I could relate to the words she used to describe what she went through and the questions that she was asking mimicked my own almost word for word.

The question I most identified with and needed answered was: why us? What was it about our own selves that made us attract some guy who would abuse us...and what was it that made us not see the abuse and stay so long in the relationship?

That question has plagued me, elluded me, baffled me.

Waiting. I hate waiting.

It's said that patience is a virtue. It appears it's a virtue I haven't mastered, yet. I believe I'm capable of it and I'm sure God is pretty set on allowing me to take the longest road possible to get there!

My deposition, that was scheduled for last month, never happened. It was cancelled. The opposing side decided they wanted to attempt mediation first. Ironically, my lawyer was in favor of this, too and thus, cancelled the deposition.

Mediation did take place last week. I was thrilled to have it over with, but not so thrilled with the outcome. It was a bust. No compromising. No settling. Nothing accomplished except a check mark in the box on the way to trial. The in-laws (or out-laws in this case!) blatantly said they showed up only to see if I was willing/ready to let them proceed with the adoption, unhindered. "Just trust us," they said. At that moment, I saw flashes of the snake off from Disney's, The Jungle Book, with his hypnotic eyes spinning while chanting to Mowgli, "Trust in me...trust in me...." all the while preparing to devour him in one bite. Glad I can see the snakes in my life, now. That's an improvement from the last 6 years.

As for the husband? He showed up without his lawyer. He was burdened with gifts meant for me; an enticement to reconcile, I suppose because every other word out of his mouth was about reconciling (however, only if I allow the adoption to go through). A little creepy, I know! Yet, there he was. I found out from the mediator what the gifts were and realized they were things that were already mine, so I accepted them as he was just returning my belongings to the rightful owner. I, then, put a big, loud, *KIBOSH* on the whole reconciliation idea.

A court date was scheduled for 2 May 2011. Yesterday I got word that it's been cancelled due to my husband claiming he has finals that week, not even that same day. Am I to understand that he is not capable of doing two things in the same week? I have to admit, I wasn't blindsided by this stalling tactic (it's been used frequently in the last 10 months), yet I am frustrated and upset. I would love to be able to take the ups and downs in life in stride--perhaps, I'm better at it than I think. But when it comes to facing another 2 months, (at least!), without seeing my kids...I'm not so patient.

Tolerance

I have this friend. He is amazingly talented. Fun and funny. Relaxing. Accepting. He has great perspectives on life. He treats me like gold. I have the deepest love and respect for this guy. And yet, to look at him, one might cross to the other side of the street. I mean he is big and strong. Very tough guy-esque. Think biker--goatee, tattoos, studs, I don't know about the leather, but he could pull it off.

I had a conversation the other day with my sister. It was a discussion which ensued after I had had a brief falling out with one of her children--I had (erring-ly because I'm not the parent) calmly told this child that it was unacceptable to make fun of or judge anyone. My niece was distraught and troubled because she didn't think what she had said had been offensive. In her mind, she was stating a truth--her truth.

During the chat with my sister, we contemplated how to teach children tolerance without them losing their own core values. How do you learn to accept without condoning others' choices or emulating their lifestyle? I had never thought about how to teach this concept. I assumed it was something that was either inherent or something you learned by observing someone else's behaviors. So, to me it was simple, if she wanted to teach her kids to be tolerant then she, herself, should just be tolerant; her children would follow. She claims she is doing that and for her boys that worked, for the girls it didn't. She illustrated that children see it as a contradiction: why is it okay for you to do something and for me to tell you it's okay to do it, but it's not okay for me to DO the same thing.

I have seen children do this all the time. My girls were wearing cute little sun dresses last summer. They went upstairs to play with some cousins and I heard one of them tell Bethany, "why are you wearing that? It's immodest." Good grief! She's 3! She could've been wearing just underwear and it wouldn't have breached any modesty lines. But as I've thought about that, this child was just noticing the differences in boundaries--Bethany can wear a dress like that, why can't I?

I have found over the years, tolerance is one of my strongest characteristics. I was open and accepting of anyone. Didn't matter who you were, what your station in life was, where you've been in your journey in life or what choices you've made, I accepted you and would welcome you as a friend. So, I found wherever I went, I would meet a variety of people and have a fun time in the process. I didn't change my core values to do that. I was still me. I still believed what I believed. I still acted the same.

I found an alarming weakness in tolerance, though. In my marriage, why did I choose to stay after I, initially, found out about my husband's porn addiction and sex addictions? Well, not only did I not believe in divorce, but I loved my husband. I wanted him to KNOW that I loved him no matter what. I would stay with him through his issues and I would hope that he would work them out on his own and in his own time. I had faith in him and believed in him. So, I was tolerant. I didn't know that being tolerant of an addiction isn't always the best thing to do. I didn't know that my tolerance was enabling him to justify his actions and that it would become a slippery slope of entrapment. And that I would be pulled down into his own private hell.