Jobless in Utah

Some months ago I began the arduous task of securing gainful employment...again. After moving 9 times in 6 years, you'd think I would know a little something about getting a job. I don't. I've mostly worked for myself or for my husband for 6 years. I have little experience in convincing anyone that I'm worth being paid any amount of $$$.

It's a funny thing trying to 'sell' yourself. I have a cover letter and a resume both of which are fairly well written and pinpoint my strong points, neither of which mention any of my numerous weaknesses. I have references that like me and think I'm pretty swell--and hopefully, will communicate my good points to the prospective employers. I am careful to apply only to jobs that are doing something I'm passionate about or would be good at and where I could picture myself being there long term. Thus, ensuring success, if I were offered the job. And then there are the interviews. Usually I'm great at face to face interactions, yet, lately it is proving to be something of a tiresome and worthless process.

For example, I went to a job interview a day ago. It's my second one in a month. Not good odds considering I have sent out over 200 resume applications.

I walked in 5 minutes early and was confronted with a barrage of women sitting down, waiting. I was the last one there. I sized up my competition. 20 women of all ages, sizes, and colors. To say that I was intimidated, is an understatement. There were women there that I could have birthed. There were women that could have been my grandmother. There were well-read individuals who were obviously above such a lowly position to which they were applying and there were ones in whom I'm sure this position would have been a stretch for them to succeed at.

Nevertheless, we all sat there filling out a monstrous application that was just a repeat of everything my resume (which was already filed with the company) stated. And then there was the infamous personality test--which, if you've ever taken these before, you know how to skew the results to get the personality they are looking for in the position--not that that is what I did! This was followed by a tour of the clinic and then just waiting. Waiting. (Seriously, I felt like a Dr. Seuess character waiting in The Waiting Place). Waiting for my turn for an interview with the boss. I waited 3 hours! 3 hours in a room full of estrogen. Chit chat with women who would like you to leave so that they can get the job. Polite, frustrated conversation. Everyone is thinking the same thing--"I need this job, but for heaven's sake, when is this madness going to end"?

I busied my time doing what I do best, writing list. Writing a list of questions to ask when I finally have my time in the sun with Mr. Boss-Man. And another list of what sets me apart from all the other women in the room. (That list seemed a little too short). I read all the pamphlets in the office. I texted everyone in my phone contacts. I stared each woman in the eyes until they became uncomfortable and looked away. I started chewing my fingernails, but quickly realized where I was and halted that before I entered the interview with little nubs for nails.

It's in these awkward moments of life, I'm left with my thoughts and I can't run away. I have to just sit there thinking about all my insecurities, faults, and the past that led me to the current state of affairs. It's as if someone is holding up a mirror in front of me and I'm confronted with myself. And the questions begin of why am I here? I don't have anything to offer this company. I don't really WANT this job, but I need a job! I don't have the experience or I have too much experience. How do the people in the room see me? Do they see me? Oh, how I wish I was my former skinny self, then I wouldn't be so self-conscious. No one is going to hire me, I have too many weaknesses, I can't cover them all up! People can see right through me. This job is so not worth the effort!

I'm about to abandon ship by the time it was my turn. However, as luck would have it, the boss was worn out and he didn't have time to talk with me, so I had an interview with the boss's wife. To say that I left frustrated, is an understatement.

Didn't receive a call back on that one...not that I'm all that surprised!

Veni! Vedi! Vici!

The start of a new year. This is a time I have always loved. I love to make New Years

resolutions. I love starting new things. The excitement, the anticipation of not knowing, but believing that I can MAKE things happen!

The world (until recently) has always be an open and inviting place to be. Full of possibilities. A place of wonder, amusement, adventure. And the New Year was a time to throw out the bad, (luck that went awry, unmet goal, things I'd been trying and rehashing throughout the year that just never panned out, old relationships gone sour, thinking patterns that were wearing on my soul, negative self limiting beliefs, or anything that I was just plain bored of), and begin again with new. New tries. New desires. New goals.

My motto, Veni! Vidi! Vici! (I came! I saw! I conquered!)

Even through the last 6 years, the New Year brought on, for me, the excitement of newness. I have, written in my journals, my New Year's Resolutions lists. Each, written with the hope that I'd be able to change enough to make my marriage not just work, but thrive. The beauty of hindsight, is that I can read these goals back to back and see that nothing changed in my desires from year to year. The only thing that changed was my desperation and hopelessness...and wording I used--to make something appear like it was NEW. By 2009, my goal was the same, but I never finished the list. I left off mid-sentence and ended up scribbling a short, sad, despairing poem at the bottom of the page. 2010's list just said: New Year's Resolutions 1: Find myself...

This year, is different. I feel compelled to make new goals, but I feel somewhat powerless to achieve anything, let alone greatness! But I know that to get to the light, sometimes we must take steps into the darkness. We have to have courage and use it, or we must take the courage that someone else has offered us. I'm choosing the later.

I don't necessarily believe in my own power or ability (especially at this time in my life) to transform this old body of mine into the healthy, fit, and efficient machine that I'd like it to be. Or to do anything of significance. But I do believe others have done amazing things through times of trial. So, I will take courage from others who have gone before and along side of me and I will step into the darkness and push forward this year until I'm basking in the sunlight...(and hopefully, I'll be in a yellow poke-a-dot bikini and lying on a sunny beach somewhere in the Caribbean!)

So, without further ado, my New Years Resolution (drum roll, please):

1) Have my parental rights reinstated and gain custody of my kids

2) Get down to a healthy weight (ha! When isn't that on my lists--especially after indulging in the holiday splendor?)

3) Run in the Top of Utah 1/2 marathon in August and the Marine Corps marathon in Oct.

4) Get a career level job that I LOVE

5) Move into my own place

6) Begin to payback my debts to my family

7) Start to repair my damaged credit

8) Write the music arrangements I've been meaning to do

9) Give back

10) Meet Josh Groban

Happy New Year!

(My sister's and I looking 'all pale and tragic' New Years Eve!